Lifestyle - It's Okay

First things first; I know this is not my usual write up, but I just had to get it off my chest. 

Is it okay? Am I okay?

I tend to talk to myself and just 'interact' with myself most of the time. & After awhile, I thought that I was becoming super weird. It was like I like/enjoyed talking to myself rather than talking to other people. Sometimes, I even think that something was wrong with me; to the point, that I thought I had a mental disorder. I took quite a while to make sure that me doing all these was okay. For months, I just kept thinking about the whole thing over and over again , until someone told me that it was okay. 

Before I was this lucky, I kept looking down on myself and just thinking of the negative side in life. I almost came to a point where I was nearly depressed and suicidal nearly. But after awhile, I realised that making myself feel this way is just plain stupid and mentally exhausting. After which, I tried to look at the bright side of things. Maybe I became this way partly due to me being cooped up at home for a long time and just not going out with friends. For 2-3 months, my life consist of these 4 walls which I have created. It took me awhile to break it all down. I finally did it and the feeling of being free was exhilarating. 

Then, came a point in my life where I just stop saying whatever is in my head and/or mind. I decided on myself that it was a waste of time to say what I want to say. Before I want to say something, I would always say it in my head over and over again to make sure what I would be saying will be okay. For me, to have said something, that would take a long time. Most of the time, the things i wanted to say doesn't come out of my mouth. I've always thought that my thoughts and opinions were irrelevant. Everything that was in my mind has always been kept a secret to everyone, to the point that there was too much stuffs in my head that everything was in a mess. I couldn't even think straight anymore. And for me to speak up about something small, would take at least 15 mins to do. It was my worst stage. 

Though I still have this problem, I am able to manage. Look, I even have problems writing this post. (If you noticed, it's kind of all over the place too :P). About a year ago, someone used to tell me that I am a very soft spoken person; which would make it hard for me to speak my mind or opinions to other people. He was right. & I never regretted meeting him. He taught me a lot about myself. I am thankful to have met him.

So, this is what I've always wanted to say. 

If you are not what "normal" people are, it's okay. It doesn't matter, as long as you have a strong support system - friends, families etc. What matters is that you have fun and enjoy in what you do. You don't have to do what other people do, for me, I like, I love to talk to myself which help lightens my mood and relief my stress, so just go for it. 

It's okay

x haryati x